Life Updates: The good, the bad and the ugly…

Firstly, sorry for leaving such a long gap between my posts. From July to now I’ve been pretty bad so I thought I’d just update you all and it would be great to hear from you too 🙂 I aim to blog weekly at least now, routine is always better!

I completed my MSc this September. I spent parts of the summer working and the rest studying so it was great to get that in at the end of September. I was so happy to realise I had gained a distinction this week as I had just missed out on a first at undergraduate level so it’s been great to finally push myself that bit harder and gain the top grade! I have always been a somewhat lazy student, leaving things until the last minute and this year has been up and down. With trying to balance work and university, it was great to get the results and just feel like I can breathe a bit easier! In terms of work I’ve been feeling extremely anxious and worried. I was working part time earlier on in the year but decided to cut down when university pressure piled up. It also meant I was in need of securing something for after the MSc so felt pressurised. I had a few interviews prior to July and finally got a job offer at the end of July. I was so happy to have something in place. Not sure if any of you are in the psychology field, but here in the UK it can be so competitve and I finally managed to secure an assistant psychologist post which is getting me closer to my goal of training in Clinical Psychology. The only issue has been that I never realised the duration of vetting! I recently completed my vetting (3 months later!) and am now just awaiting confirmation of a start date. Life has been pretty dismal in this kind of grey area I’ve been in from finishing my masters to waiting for this job to materialise….It was a bit bittersweet of getting a job in the sense I’m still waiting, money is extremely light and I feel pretty useless…. It doesn’t really feel real but when I think about it I get worried about whether I’ll be able to manage it. Its working with offenders and involves me also moving away from home so alot of change. I don’t mind change but all of this unknown…my start date, where I’ll be living is a bit of a worry. With all of my friends working, it just feels a bit of a downer at the moment that I’m waiting for this job to start, I was so excited when I got it but its made me more anxious as I wait thinking about the fact that I have no money, am living at home and have no real focus. I really want to start with the next stage of my life so hopefully I start before 2015…..

 

So what have I been doing in this “grey area”. I’ve been working on my doctorate application, working part time but I’ve also been wasting a lot of time. I guess I’ve been waiting for the new job to start rather than making valuable use of my time. I did begin reading again and cross stitching again (If you follow me on twitter you might have seen that!), but I feel that I have been extremely idle….kind of not sad but not happy and energetic either. Not grabbing each day as it comes and sometimes I wish I was more passionate about life…. I’ve been living at home and I’m not sure this has helped with me being more positive…I grew up in dysfunctional household to say the least…witnessing abuse, growing up in an indian family…it is only more recently that I’ve begun to acknowlegde the pain of growing up….my dad is an alcoholic and there is often tension with my siblings when they resort to talking about the past and about how our parents are rubbish….I get it I do but I don’t see the point of focusing on things we can’t change….why talk about things which make us sad now? Every weekend it seems one of them is telling my parents about how growing up was like but I’ve long come to realise my parents will not change but its tough when my siblings haven’t accepted that…. I don’t think you can force anyone to change really not unless they want to….but yes so tensions always seem to be high at home….Kind of another reason I want to move to be able to get away. Sometimes it can be draining to sit here listening to people talk about the past as though it changes anything…I can’t stop them talking about it but it pains me to have to hear it over and over when it isn’t a solution….I think you have to look forward….I’m not saying you forget what’s happened, but I believe you have to work through it and better yourself. The only one you let down otherwise is yourself…think about eczema if each of us just succumbed to what it did to us we would not be here so positive,so grateful for the support we have and out skin would be out of control. 

When my skin was at its worst I always believed that no one would ever want to date me, that I would have to accept that anybody was better than nobody. When you’re 16 it really feels as though you are judged by your appearance. I’m glad I came to realise that I might have bad skin, I might be negative at times but noone deserves to be with someone who has to second guess their importance. At one time I was drained from one partner’s negative comments towards me, comments which were a joke to him but really affected me…telling me he didn’t like my hair, my lipstick, telling me I wasn’t driving right, I should be doing this not that…I told him their effect on me, making me sad and quiet but when that happened, he’d moan that I was moody…I actually began to feel I was in the wrong….I guess I chose to put up with it so gave him consent to treat me that way but now I feel stupid for allowing myself to be treated so horribly when to me, I felt hurt by it all. I allowed my inner voice to be squashed to stay with him causing myself inner turmoil. He helped to heighten my negative attitude whilst being in this grey area….once even saying I’m angry because I have nothing going for me…..for him to say that to me full well knowing my situation should have been enough but I guess I thought he was worth it until the minute I realised I wasn’t even worth kindness. I allowed someone to control my happiness and I never thought I would be so weak. Some of you may relate with this especially if you have facial eczema as I have and lost a lot of self confidence    . But I hope that if you are reading this you realise you are worth so much more. You deserve better than your eczema filled mind wants to let you believe!

All in all,  any period of eczema for me has been full of emotion. Negatively to be honest….it is something I need to work on…my attitude towards the bad. Taking in the negative without allowing it to affect my actual being, my inner soul….That’s why the rest of the year is about me. It is time for me to find myself, to find out who I am by myself and to smile way more often than I am now!

 

Lets make the lead up to 2015 positive!

Comments
2 Responses to “Life Updates: The good, the bad and the ugly…”
  1. Jodie from Michigan says:

    Selina,

    I am confident that you are learning what you do not want in your life. I feel for your situation and wish for you patience, peace and friends!!!!! Coming from a dysfunctional family can handicap people emotionally for years. Children learn from their experiences, grow up and think that is how you are supposed to treat others. I am confident that you are reaching beyond what you grew up surrounding with, don’t slide. Persevere in your current direction.

    Like yourself and you will find a man that likes you for who you are. They won’t try to change you or control you. Join volunteer groups right now, while you have time, it may be a way to meet a selfless individual looking for love as well. Being a volunteer helps make connections as well. Literacy volunteers perhaps?

    Date like women were meant to. Many men all at the same time… I call it sampling. No intimacy involved. At one point my mom would have trouble balancing all the phone calls that came into the house. Summer and fall were like crazy in the rut dating time…. then we all seemed to settle in for the winter. This is the only way you are going to find a great guy that values you for who you are and who you want to become. I don’t believe in soul mates… I think we were meant to be with someone at the right time. Maybe the timing is off right now for your relationship status, focus on your career and studies.

    You are a wonderful individual with so much to offer. Never let anyone tell you less. A cheater is always a cheater. They in some fashion will always make an excuse for it to be OK in their minds. On dates you need to screen for this. Have a few questions and scenarios for the men. The ” If you had three wishes” question is a good one. Or, have you ever been cheated on? How did it make you feel? Always be kind and never offer that kind of information out on the first date. Men like to label. Go for drinks or coffee for a first date, but skip meals…. if they are a loser you won’t be locked into a long torturous “geez did I make a mistake” event…..

    I went out with my current beau (Kevin) over 8 years ago and someone from work saw me. I didn’t even know Derek was there and he didn’t approach me to say hi. Derek told me years later that he never wanted to interrupt the magic he saw happening between myself and Kevin. He was so kind… Derek told me he could see sparks flying, we had it from the first moment (and this was a blind date too!!!). Blind dates can be tricky. I wasn’t expecting anything to come of it. We had a few phone calls prior to going to that dinner date…..

    Patience Selena…. Maybe your beau isn’t available yet. Maybe you aren’t on the right continent yet. He’s out there. It’s all about sampling and timing.

    Like

    • Selina says:

      Jodie you offer such kind words! It really did make me smile 🙂 I really appreciate you taking the time to offer me the advice above. It means alot!

      I think I have reached a point where I realise I need to sort things out, for better or for worse for me. Not thinking about how everybody else is feeling but just me. I think empathy can sometimes be disasterous….especially when I wouldn’t say I am currently completely content. Happiness is hard but I think some self focus will help me to feel better. Things are slowly but surely becoming positive and I hope to end the year on a good note.

      I don’t know what will happen with the boyfriend admittedly but I need space to figure out what it is that I want, not him but me. It is hard to let go of something you know has been amazing but at the same time so toxic on both parts. He has been great in understanding I need time to think and figure it out and that’s what I’m focusing on. Just getting me together 🙂

      You and your partner sound like a great pair. I definitely think you can feel the sparks fly between a pair when its real! I’m not sure I believe in soul mates but I believe that you can meet someone who you just can’t get enough of, who you want to spend time with and see growing old with… I think you just have to be sure you both want the same thing otherwise disaster….I’ll figure it out 🙂 Life is all about learning.

      Like

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